A One Act Play
Emma, a 30 year old overly loud woman with a strange fetish for raw meats
Jack, a 30 year old lawyer, run-down by a recent bad case, Emma’s husband
Mikey, a Salesman, Emma’s Lover
The Oishi Sushi restaurant, a Japanese establishment past its days of glory, popular for its clientele of the miserable and despicable, it’s signature dish the black sushi.
(Oriental fanfare. In darkness.)
Emma: What do you have in the way of sushi?
Waitress: For sushi we have Ika, sake…
(Lights grow to reveal, Emma, Jack, and Mikey sitting on the floor ordering their meal Japanese-style. Emma is the only person on the table who is really interested. Mikey is already obviously drunk with rice wine while Jack is on the verge of losing his temper.)
Emma: No. We want the really good stuff.
Waitress: You mean the black sushi?! (Gasps in a caricature manner and produces an overly large sign, saying, “Black Sushi Promo. Try it if you dare”)
Emma: (Also gasps) So very oishi! What do you think jack, mikey? Do we dare?
Jack: (Off handed) Have whatever you want.
Mikey: Yeah. Yeah. Whatever makes you happy, Emma.
Waitress: Oooh! Good choice. This restaurant is popular for the (Gasps) black sushi. Every respectable gentleman in the country has at least tried it once. People travel far and wide for the (Gasps) infamous black sushi.
Emma: (Clasps her hands as if in an infomercial) So very oishi! So very oishi! Oishi to the max!
Jack: (He looks left and right, seeing that they’re alone, he makes the obvious joke) They must all be dead.
Waitress: You’re dead right!
Emma: Oooh! Suspense. Come on darling Jack. (She lets her head down Mikey’s shoulder) Let’s have a try.
Jack: I’m right here.
Emma: I’m sorry darling. All you men’s shoulders are alike. Come on what do you say?
Waitress: You made the right choice madame. (Becomes unprofessional, swooning) The handsome chef-owner of this establishment catches the mysterious black fish himself. Every Saturday evening he goes alone to the sea in his yacht, how very dashing of him, and comes back with a small haul of this delectable ingredient. Which is why our specialty is a bit pricey.
Jack: Wait. Wait how much is this dark sushi of yours?
Waitress: For the very low price of (Reveals the board again and unfolds a flap) 99.99 U.S. American dollars.
Jack: What! No way. Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.
Emma: Come on Jack, I’ll let you do that thing you like.
Jack: What thing?
Emma: That thing. (She arches her back and raises her butt) This thing.
Mikey: I’ll spring for it.
Jack: No. No let me.
Mikey: It’s nothing.
Emma: (Winks to the waitress) It’s that thing.
(Emma and the waitress giggle)
Jack: Women. (He grabs the wine bottle of Mikey and drinks a big gulp for himself) Look you here, faggot man and your faggot drink. I’m the guy getting that thing tonight!
Mikey: Sure boss, anything you say.
Emma: It’s settled. Three orders of black sushi.
Waitress: So very oishi!
Emma: So very oishi!
Jack: Wait wait! I ain’t springing three hundred bucks tonight. We’ll share and that thing you have beside you can pay for his own meal.
Emma: Poverty is so very disappointing.
(Emma and the waitress look at each other, stick out their throats and mime sucking a stinky cock.)
Mikey: No problem ladies. (Smiling like an idiot) I’ll get two orders myself. One for me and one for Emma.
Mikey: (Frowning like an idiot) That thing beside you can’t have any.
Jack: You want my fist in your ass?
Mikey: Ewww… You want my ass on your fist?
Waitress: Boys! Stop it. You don’t have to fight. (As if talking to the camera) Tonight you will have the rare once-in-a-life-time privilege of partaking of the Oishi Restaurant’s finest. The black Sushi.
(Fanfare plays from nowhere. The three costumers look about for the source of the sound but find nothing.)
Waitress: I’ll be right back with your order. (Exits)
Jack: So who are you again?
Emma: He’s a … friend.
Jack: So how did you meet?
Mikey: At your house. In your bedroom.
Emma: (Quickly) What he means is he’s a door-to-door salesman. He happened by our house to sell me a new—
Mikey: King size bed. If you know what I mean.
Jack: So he’s the guy, huh?
Jack: He’s the guy you’ve been using the new sirloin on. The new wagyu fillets.
Mikey: All slathered in fresh meat, and porking it in like there’s no tomorrow.
Emma: Jack. I’m sorry.
Jack: (Laughs) I’m sorry for you. How do you suppose a salesman could pay for two hundred dollar dinner?
Mikey: Simple. Before this night ends I’m going to kill you.
Jack: Let’s just see you try.
Emma: I’m sorry Jack. It’s just after that case with PETA. You’ve been not performing well…
Mikey: Limp dick.
Emma: Our assets are dwindling …
Mikey: Dwindling dick.
Jack: (A side note) What does that even mean?
Emma: And we just have to kill you so that I may continue to live the lifestyle I deserve, bathed in premium raw meat.
Jack: Is that so.
Emma: Yes. That’s why we chose this restaurant. We knew nobody would be here. We could kill you, and nobody would ever know.
Mikey: And that’s why I’ve been drinking all night. Liquid courage to pull the trigger.
Emma: Here’s the gun (produces the gun).
Jack: (Nonchalant) Fine.
Emma: But before all that. Let’s all sit down like mature adults, set our personal problems aside, and have some dinner.
(In cue, the waitress enters. Her previously pristine white apron has been bloodied. She holds in her arms three plates of shiny black slices of sashimi wrapped with seaweed on fluffy white rice.)
(Spotlights hit her as she announces the dish.)
Waitress: The Oishi Restaurant’s specialty. (She throws the plates perfectly in front of each customer at every word) infamous black sushi!
Emma: So very oishi!!!
Waitress: (Bows like a ninja) Enjoy. (Exits)
Emma: Come on boys, let’s dig in!
(Emma dives in first, eating like a pig, slurping as she swallows. Next is Mikey who devours his plate in a single bite. Then Jack who barely nibbles at his meal.)
(Emma and Mikey have exaggerated visions. The writer gives free reign to the director as how he wants to do this.)
Emma: (A flock of angels fly above her head) Divine!
Jack: (Loud moans of women and men having sex are heard) Majestic!
Emma: The fifth elusive flavour…
(They have finished eating.)
Emma: Yum! Yum! Yum!
Mikey: How about that? My meal’s all done. Maybe it’s time to kill you.
Jack: I guess so.
Mikey: I’m sorry friend. If things were different, we could have been like brothers.
Jack: Yes. But it has to be done.
Mikey: For Emma’s strange raw meat fetish.
Jack: For Emma’s strange raw meat fetish.
(Mikey gets the gun. Stands and points it at Jack. Sentimental music plays.)
Jack: Emma, I wanted you to know. That even if I lost that case with PETA, I love you. I want you to have a good life with this man. Buy raw meats. Put it in your vagina. Fill yourself until you are happy. Jack, I love you too like a brother, just—
(Mikey shoots Jack. The sentimental music dies, so does Jack.)
Emma: It had to be done.
Mikey: Now for some more grub. (He dives at Jack’s left overs) So very oishi!!!
(Emma takes the gun and shoots Mikey. He also dies.)
Emma: (Stands) Now that’s done. Men. They don’t know the pleasures of real raw meat. I don’t like wagyu, or salmon, or black sushi. I am a real connoisseur. In raw meats the caviar is raw human cock, and I am famished.
(Emma unzips Jack’s trousers, lets out his cock and bites it of raw. She chews it and in grand delight.)
Emma: So very oi—
(The Waitress enters and throws a cleaver at Emma’s back. She dies.)
Waitress: (Takes out a pair of kitchen knives from her back, to the audience) We would like to inform you that the last order of Black Sushi was generously donated by the chef-owner of the Oishi restaurant himself. Given that it is an especially rare ingredient these last costumers have already finished the last stock of our specialty dish. But no worries. A fresh delivery just came in. After all, there is no blacker meat…
We are the Oishi Restaurant. I hope you visit us very soon.
© 2012 Jay Crisostomo IV