Psychobunny’s Search for the Magic Apples

Psychobunny’s Search for the Magic Apple:

A Pornographic Play by BJ Crisostomo

 

The Persons

Bunny

Patient

Elsie

The Setting

A room in a hospital. There is a bed, a waiting chair, and a small table. Against all this—the stage is bare.

BUNNY:

Isn’t it hot? Don’t you think it’s hot?

PATIENT:

No. Everything is just fine.

BUNNY:

Don’t kid around.

PATIENT:

I’m not. Ma’am, I’ve heard about you. I’ve heard about what you do.

BUNNY:

Have you?

PATIENT:

From the other patients.

BUNNY:

Well then aren’t you lucky that I chose you this time around?

PATIENT:

You see ma’am, I’m old. I can’t handle what you do.

BUNNY:

Nonsense. Don’t you think it’s hot?

PATIENT:

I’m tired, sick and old. I’m dying. Any other day when I was younger I’d be happy to oblige but not now. Not now when my bones are weak. And my lips no longer wettens with saliva. And my—

(BUNNY takes off her blouse.)

BUNNY:

Hot isn’t it?

PATIENT:

No. Everything is just fine.

BUNNY:

Don’t you like white, Mr. Richardson? Look, it’s white.

PATIENT:

I don’t see anything.

BUNNY:

Well how could you? You’re lying all the way there with your cock propped up. And I’m here sitting all the way here, blouseless with my panties showing?

PATIENT:

No they’re quite fine. I like white. It has a virginal look to it.

BUNNY:

It’s not actually all-white. Not pure white, as the Bible would say. They have pink flowers embroidered into them.

PATIENT:

Yes pink.

BUNNY:

A little blood didn’t hurt nobody yet. Wouldn’t you say?

PATIENT:

Ma’am no.

BUNNY:

I want you to appreciate a little blood.

PATIENT:

I can’t. I’m funny. Not now. Not like this.

BUNNY:

You should list to your nurse.

(BUNNY takes off her shirt. Her underwear are the stuff of pornography stuffed somewhere in a high school boy’s closet.)

 

PATIENT:

No ma’am, no!

BUNNY:

Time for your medication, honey!

 

 

PATIENT:

No! Help! Someone help me! (He presses the emergency button, the kind that rests in hospital rooms.)

(BUNNY forces herself into the patient—almost raping him. The PATIENT flatlines.)

 

(Another nurse, ELSIE, enters the room.)

 

ELSIE:

How’d it go Bunny?

BUNNY:

See for yourself. (BUNNY stands from the PATIENT’s bed. The PATIENT is now left with a smile.)

 

ELSIE:

Any good?

BUNNY:

Didn’t even get me wet.

ELSIE:

God Bunny must’ve made him happy. No better way to go as they say.

BUNNY:

(while she fixes herself) A job’s a job. Elsie, I think you should call a doctor to time home.

ELSIE:

Sure thing.

PATIENT:

No wait!

ELSIE:

What the fuck! He’s still breathing! Mister, congratulations. You’re the first to survive Bunny.

PATIENT:

I was a hell of lay, when I was younger I mean.

BUNNY:

Hope I met you back then.

PATIENT:

Come any time. I’ll muster up the strength. An old horse never forgets how green the grass he ate as a young mare was.

 

 

BUNNY:

You can’t afford me no more. By all clinical conditions you were dead. I’m a one time deal old man.

PATIENT:

I’m rich you know.

BUNNY:

Can’t even afford this room.

PATIENT:

Ah well. I promise I’ll get back at you before I die.

BUNNY:

Old men and their promises.

(ELSIE takes BUNNY to the other side of the room.)

 

ELSIE:

What happened?

BUNNY:

I don’t know.

ELSIE:

Should I call the doctors? Maybe he’s good for a few more years.

BUNNY:

He’s a goner.

PATIENT:

Hey I could hear you!

BUNNY:

Fuck off.

PATIENT:

Don’t worry I will.

ELSIE:

What do we do now? Kill him.

BUNNY:

I tried didn’t I?

ELSIE:

No. Not like that. The old fashioned way.

BUNNY:

I’m against that kind of thing.

ELSIE:

You’ll lose your job, you know?

 

(BUNNY stops for a moment.)

BUNNY:

To hell with my job. It’s a sucky job anyways.

ELSIE:

You’re good for nothing else. Can’t even stick a needle in right can you?

BUNNY:

Well—

(ELSIE goes back to the PATIENT’s bed.)

 

ELSIE:

Hey mister. Want me? I’m hell of a lot better than her.

PATIENT:

Come any day, little missy. If I survived her I can survive anyone.

BUNNY:

You don’t have to do that Elsie.

ELSIE:

We’re friends. I don’t want a friend living in the streets. Finished nursing school together and all that shit.

BUNNY:

It’s my job.

ELSIE:

Can’t be that hard.

BUNNY:

Suit yourself.

ELSIE:

Mine’s red. (She raises her skirt up.)

 

PATIENT:

My favorite color.

ELSIE:

Good.

 

 

(BUNNY sits by a chair. Reads a Cosmopolitan—well actually any fashion magazine. It can be a sports magazine if you like.)

 

ELSIE:

Be careful, mister. I like it rough.

PATIENT:

I love it rough.

ELSIE:

Can’t you get your pee-pee up?

PATIENT:

(grabs ELSIE’s ass) Wait. There. See?

 

ELSIE:

O it is hard isn’t it? My mister’s little mister.

PATIENT:

There’s nothing little about it.

ELSIE:

O yes big. It’s huge. It’s humongous.

BUNNY:

(from her seat) It’s pencil thin.

ELSIE:

This is hard you know with you sitting there.

PATIENT:

Yes. “Sitting all the way there.” Why don’t you join us?

BUNNY:

Fuck off.

PATIENT:

Don’t worry.

BUNNY:

“I will.”

PATIENT:

That’s right.

ELSIE:

Don’t mind her. Keep your eyes to the prize. (Forces him to look at her breasts)

 

 

PATIENT:

Yes.

ELSIE:

You’re good mister.

PATIENT:

Very good.

ELSIE:

Come one. Faster. Harder. (while watching the patient’s monitor)

 

PATIENT:

I’ll give you fast. (speeds up)

 

ELSIE:

Faster! Harder!

PATIENT:

Oh my god! Oh my god! I’m coming! I’m coming home! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

ELSIE:

Almost there! Almost there! (the emergency signal of the monitor sounds off) You’re not old at all. Come on daddy.

(The PATIENT pushes ELSIE aside. The sound of the monitor stops.)

 

ELSIE:

What’s wrong?

PATIENT:

You didn’t call me daddy while I’m getting off.

BUNNY:

“Can’t be that hard.”

ELSIE:

Hey I was doing you a favor.

BUNNY:

I wasn’t asking for one bitch.

ELSIE:

Would you at least show a little gratitude? I was saving you from the streets.

BUNNY:

I’m fine. I’m fine with my life. I can live on my own without your little favors. I am a woman. Hear me roar.

 

ELSIE:

You’re a stuck-up, fucked up person.

BUNNY:

Well, you’re a brown noder.

 

PATIENT:

Nothing to fight about. There’s a lot of me to get around.

BUNNY & ELSIE:

Shut up.

BUNNY:

Decrepit.

ELSIE:

Hard-headed.

BUNNY:

Won’t die.

ELSIE:

Bastard.

PATIENT:

Hey I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask to be molested. An old man like me should be getting his rest and here you two gals are trying your best to shuff me off.

BUNNY:

It’s in your contract, pencil dick.

ELSIE:

Everyone in this place has it.

BUNNY:

When the medication is too expensive and the street rat bastard can’t pay for it anymore.

ELSIE:

The nurse-in-duty comes to speed his heart rate up and kill him in a humanitarian way.

PATIENT:

I can’t pay? Hell with that. I’m a fucking millionaire.

BUNNY:

Well your credit’s caput and your relatives don’t wanna shoulder your sorry-ass anymore.

 

 

PATIENT:

What the fuck. I have over twenty children with over three women that don’t even know their names and faces no more. I’m a fucking psychobunny with my carrot always stuck somewhere. Not one of them wants to pay my bills?

ELSIE:

Sorry Mr. Richardson, not one of them came.

BUNNY:

They all want you dead as soon as possible.

ELSIE:

Don’t put it that way Bunny.

BUNNY:

Want me to lie to the old fart?

PATIENT:

I can hear you—

(Silence.)

PATIENT:

Well, got a good deal off it didn’t I? Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Lived a good life—drank a lot of wine, fucked a lot of women, had a lot of children. Made a world around myself didn’t I?

ELSIE:

‘Suppose so.

BUNNY:

Well, what you want to do now mister?

PATIENT:

I’m still alive. It’s your job to kill me in a humanitarian way isn’t it?

ELSIE:

You want us to keep trying?

PATIENT:

It’s all in the contract.

BUNNY:

Fuck the contract.

ELSIE:

What’re you gonna do? Peddle yourself in the streets? Once management finds out their number one nookie assassin missed one, they’ll go ballistic. You won’t get a job anywhere and you’re not exactly the best nurse now are you?

BUNNY:

I’m tired of medically-assisting men to their timely demise! I’m tired of ‘serving the quality the quality of their lives’. I missed one fart, so what. Let them hang me. Let them fire me.

PATIENT:

That’s no way to talk. All that pessimism in such fine a lady—

BUNNY:

Shut up.

ELSIE:

So what are you gonna do?

BUNNY:

I don’t know. Dance the light fantastic. Fulfill men’s fantasies and actually get paid well. I’m good at anyway.

PATIENT:

Yes you are.

BUNNY:

See?

ELSIE:

You’ll get AIDS. You’ll get sent back here in a gurney. And then one of your male counterparts will do you. Then you’ll die.

BUNNY:

So what? Those men are hot anyway. I’d like my own fantasies fulfilled once even if it is my last.

PATIENT:

Damn right.

BUNNY:

Yeah.

ELSIE:

Don’t be stupid Bunny.

BUNNY:

Don’t be a goddamn nagger, fucker bitch, cock sucker.

ELSIE:

I’m just trying to help.

BUNNY:

Help unneeded is not help at all.

 

 

ELSIE:

Think Bunny. You’re gonna get raped out there. Men’ll touch you all over. We’re friends. I got you into this job. I got you in because I don’t want you to land in the gutters.

BUNNY:

Ok. So what do you want to do?

ELSIE:

How about we both try?

PATIENT:

Hell yeah! (spreads his legs, masturbates) Ready when you are.

BUNNY:

Dream on.

PATIENT:

Told you I’m gonna get back at you.

ELSIE:

Please? For old time’s sake?

BUNNY:

Sure. What the hell. (to the PATIENT) Hey fart. Don’t you think it’s hot?

PATIENT:

I’m not afraid this time, Bunny. I can handle whatever you’ve got to throw at me.

BUNNY:

Hot as hell don’t you think?

PATIENT:

My family doesn’t need me and I don’t need them. I’m still a goddamn psychobunny.

BUNNY:

You’re wrong. I am the psychobunny in search of you apples. I’ll get them. I’ll gobble them all down. Then psychobunny will be happy. Happy as hell.

ELSIE:

We’re gonna get you this time around.

BUNNY:

Nothing’s wrong with a little blood.

ELSIE:

Mine’s red.

PATIENT:

Come on you horny bitches. I can take it. I can take you all.

BUNNY:

Good.

ELSIE:

Nothing like a willing victim. You do his—

BUNNY:

I do the calls. I’m the expert in this field. Might not be a good nurse but I’m the greatest fuck in the world.(strangles the PATIENT)

ELSIE?

What are you doing?

BUNNY:

Don’t you like it you horny fucker? Don’t you like it when it hurts?

PATIENT:

I love it!

BUNNY:

Then have some of this. Lick me. Devour me inside out.(BUNNY sits on the PATIENT, leading him to her own vagina.) Drink all you want. It’s my job.

ELSIE:

Stop! That’s not how we do things here.

BUNNY:

This is how I do my thing. This is how I do him. Fuck you all.

PATIENT:

More!

BUNNY:

You want more? I want my carrots. Psychobunny wants her carrots.

(BUNNY unzips the PATIENT’s trousers.)

ELSIE:

Stop it!

BUNNY:

To fuck with you. I am a woman. Hear me roar.

(BUNNY bites off the PATIENT’s dick. He dies with a smile.)

 

ELSIE:

Oh my god. What the hell did you do? Psychotic son of a bitch.

BUNNY:

My job.

ELSIE:

Fuck!

BUNNY:

I’m done. See you for lunch?

-END-

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